


there is grey between the lines

by pirateygoodness



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Pining, Post-Episode: s4e20 Will The Real Miss Tessmacher Please Stand Up?, Queerplatonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-27 19:09:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18745294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pirateygoodness/pseuds/pirateygoodness
Summary: Kara runs through it in her head, a hundred different ways. She thinks about it so much that her thoughts start to blend, daydreams blurring until she can't tell one from the next. In all of them, one thing is true: Lena finds out, and she looks at Kara, and for one beautiful moment, Kara feels free.(Post-ep for 4.20, "Will the Real Miss Tessmacher Please Stand Up?" Containsspoilers.)





	there is grey between the lines

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Leave a Trace" by Chvrches

Kara wants to tell Lena herself. She doesn't want anyone else to tell Lena for her. 

When she thinks about it like that it sounds - not quite right. Calculated. It sounds like it's about Kara wanting to control the story, and that's not it at all. 

Kara just wants the chance to be seen. Just once, if that's all she gets. 

She wants Lena to see her for who she is, to understand all the parts of her and it feels vital to their friendship in a way she can't quite express. She felt it in the jet, that lurch low in her belly and that sudden certainty; all the nervous flutters of _maybe_ and _should I_ solidifying into something clear and almost calm. 

That feeling of rightness - that even if things weren't okay, it was the right moment and the right opportunity. It shines inside Kara, warm and bright behind her heart and oh, she can't believe how much she wants to tell her, how ready she feels. 

Then Lena turns away. 

Then Lena starts reminding Kara of how hard this is for her, how betrayed she's been by Eve and by Lex and by so many others before them. She talks about how much she needs Kara ( _Danvers_ , not _Zor-El_ ) and that certainty in Kara twists to bile. 

She puts her glasses on. 

+

The fly back from Kaznia, on the airplane that Kara still doesn't trust, surrounded by the hum of the engines. Lena falls asleep somewhere over Greenland. Kara watches over her. 

She listens to the gentle sounds of her breathing. She closes her eyes and listens for the reassuring thump of Lena's heart. She thinks about how important Lena is, how special. 

Kara thinks about how much she wishes she'd told her. She thinks about how different it feels, the idea of Lena knowing. Something about today shifted Kara's perspective, and she still feels that certainty still and calm inside her. Even if Lena pushes Kara away, she deserves Kara's honesty. 

Kara runs through it in her head, a hundred different ways. She thinks about it so much that her thoughts start to blend, daydreams blurring until she can't tell one from the next. In all of them, one thing is true: Lena finds out, and she looks at Kara, and for one beautiful moment, Kara feels free. 

+

Kara dreams about it, in a dozen different ways. 

She dreams that Lex tells her, that he fills Lena's ears with poison. She dreams that Lena calls her on the phone, voice heartbroken and shaking and the sound of it hurts so badly that Kara wakes herself up. 

Kara dreams that she gets to be the one to tell her. That she takes off her glasses, ruffles her hair just right and looks up at Lena, tells her the truth. She dreams about the dawning realization on Lena's face, the soft little gasp at the moment when everything comes together. "Oh," Lena says. "Of course." 

Dream-Kara says it and it frees her and dream-Lena pulls her into an embrace. Her arms are soft and her skin is warm and her hair tickles Kara's cheeks. It's a hug that Kara wants to crawl into, a hug Kara doesn't ever want to leave. There's acceptance in it, knowing as Lena presses her mouth to Kara's shoulder and whispers. "Of course it was you." 

Kara feels herself inhale. She doesn't know what she's going to say, but she knows it's going to be big, can feel the emotions bubbling up in her chest and welling behind her eyes and all she can think is, _finally._

She wakes herself up crying, every time. She still can't tell if the tears are happy or sad. 

+

Lena sends her flowers. 

A bouquet, restrained by her standards, and a little potted plant with white flowers. It takes Kara a few minutes and a cursory web search to work it out: chamomile. The official flower of Kaznia. She feels it again in the pit of her stomach, that sense of certainty she felt when they were there together on Lena's jet. 

Kara hardly needs to read the note. She knows what it'll say, another apology she doesn't deserve, but she opens the envelope all the same. It's in Lena's hand. That does something to her, knowing that she's worth enough for Lena to handwrite her thank-you note instead of having the florist take down a message. _For bravery under pressure, and for always being my friend. Something to remember our adventures._

The message is signed with a big, looping heart and Lena's first name. 

Kara remembers reading somewhere that friends should say _I love you_ more often. It's definitely one of the articles Nia sent to her, she can almost hear Nia rolling her eyes as she thinks about. That it's - wait, Kara knows this - _a sign of the cisheteropatriarchy diminishing the value of platonic love by elevating a narrow view of relationships that minimizes the beautiful spectrum of diverse human connection._

Or something. 

She remembers the article because it stuck with her, somewhere deep inside. She remembers thinking about it that night, when Nia gave her a hug to try to hide the way that she was stealing one of Kara's onion rings and whispered, "I love you." 

Kara remembers it because she said it back, watching Nia steal another onion ring just as badly and sliding the tray towards her. "I love you, too." 

It felt easy then, a casual exchange of words that made them both feel a little bit lighter. 

Kara remembers the article because she thought about the idea of it for days. She thought about all of the ways she could say that to Lena - _I love you_ \- and all of the reasons it felt impossible. Dishonest, somehow, even though she believed it with her whole heart. 

She thinks about that article now as she pulls out her phone to take a photo of the potted plant, nestled into a place of honor behind her keyboard. She thinks about how brave she'd have to be to say it, as she writes a message to Lena: _You're too nice. I already said you don't have to be sorry. But thank you, I love it._

She'd have to be so much braver than she feels today. 

\+ 

Lena calls Supergirl. Kara answers. 

She meets Lena in her office. Alex is there too, and seeing the two of them elbow to elbow is like a physical ache in Kara's chest. 

"Supergirl," Lena says. There's a breathless quality to it, a catch in her throat an a gleam in her eye and before she speaks Kara realizes what she's going to say. "We've figured it out." 

Lena tells her, all of it. She tells her about Kaznia, about their mutual friend the brave journalist Kara Danvers and the Red Daughter and the footage and all Kara can do is nod along. She feels it again, that lurch in her stomach like she might actually be sick from holding back words she can't say: _I know. You don't have to tell me, I was there, I know all of it._

+

They're eating sushi in James' office. It's late - well after business hours, somewhere in the dreamy space between midnight and morning. 

Kara's buried in a stack of files and Lena's at the board, gesturing with her chopsticks like the conductor of an orchestra. It's a very Lena blend of nerdy and graceful, the flick and swish of her wrist as she mutters and half-verbalizes her thoughts, working through the puzzle. 

Kara feels it again, that sense of inner stillness. Lena pauses, flicks her chopsticks over to the closest salmon roll and puts it in her mouth. That's Kara's moment. "I love you," Kara says. 

Lena's eyes open and then soften, as she giggles around her food. She takes a long, dignified moment to finish chewing, swallow, and look sideways at Kara. "What's the occasion?" 

"Just in case -" Kara starts, then stops. Just in case all of this tears them apart. Just in case Lena finds out, and it doesn't turn out quite like Kara dreamt it. Just in case Nia's right about the cisheteropatriarchy, and Lena needs to hear it. All of those. 

Lena crosses the room to put her hand on top of Kara's, impossibly earnest. "I love you too, Kara," she says. "But you don't have to worry. We'll figure this out." 

Kara closes her eyes, and lets herself believe it.


End file.
